Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I've blown a few things in my day
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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