I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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