I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
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