my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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