Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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