We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
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