remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
