I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
