my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
