I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Randomize
