I think im going to throw up on grandma
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
