had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
