Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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