oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Randomize
