you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
