you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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