just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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