Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
