Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
