no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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