Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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