Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
