Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
