he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
