Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
