Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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