I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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