he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
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