I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
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After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
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How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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