This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
