can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
