at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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