I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Randomize
