Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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