Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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