There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
