wanna go halves on a baby?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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