can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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