Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
