I skipped work to stalk him.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
