Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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