Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
