Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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