Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
