did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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