Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
