No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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