I think im going to throw up on grandma
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
