i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Randomize
