I swear she didn't look like that last week.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Randomize
