I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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