I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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