Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
