She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
