he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
