i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
