youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Randomize
