My hand turned me down
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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