I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
