i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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