The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
