I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
